Tara settled herself comfortably on the couch and tucked her legs beneath her. It was the following afternoon, and she and Natalie were having their first telephone coaching session.
In all her years in coaching, she had never come across someone like Natalie, someone who seemed to know exactly what she wanted. Usually, her clients’ main problems were that they didn’t know what they wanted, and this could only be discovered by gently discussing the workings of their lives and eventually coaxing out their ultimate ambitions. Then, having come to this realisation, the coaching process could begin, and once they’d achieved their aims, her clients generally went off and did their own thing. Tara had never yet been approached by someone who already knew exactly what he or she wanted and simply wanted her help in achieving it. Which meant that her usual more rigid coaching methods had to go straight out the window.
Tara had begun by asking Natalie some background information about her relationship history so far and was quite frankly shocked at what she’d heard.
It was pretty obvious from the outset that Natalie had been incredibly (almost scarily) full-on with her previous boyfriends. In fact, it was horrifying how quickly she pushed on, trying to bring the relationship further in order to achieve her ultimate aim – a ring on her finger.
“So you’ve already decided that this Jay person might be the one,” Tara said, keeping her voice neutral. “Do you feel you already know enough about him to make a judgement like that?”
“Probably not,” Natalie replied sheepishly. “I’m just going on how he makes me feel.”
“OK, so he makes you feel good – why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know. I suppose it’s because even though I know I like him and he likes me, I still don’t know where it will all go from here.”
“And that excites you?”
“Yes.”
“More than Jay himself?”
“Well . . . well, yes and no.”
“Yes and no?”
“I mean, yes, of course Jay excites me, but the idea that this could really be the right man for me excites me just as much.”
“Oh, Tara, I bloody well wish you’d just come right out and say what you think!” Natalie said irritably. “All these questions are getting us nowhere.”
“That’s how coaching works, Natalie. You’re the one with the answers – not me.”
But she decided to change tack and, rather than talk about Jay, proceeded to talk some more about Natalie’s previous relationships. “Tell me, why do you think your other relationships haven’t lasted the course?” she asked casually. “That they haven’t resulted in the proposal you wanted?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking about that,” Natalie replied solemnly.
Tara couldn’t help but smile at her earnestness. When faced with a question like that women often blamed themselves – their weight, their clothes, their attractiveness. But, she suspected, not this woman.
“I suppose some men might be quite frightened of me. Now, not wanting to blow my own trumpet here, but, as you know, I’m very successful in what I do. I have my own place here in London, a fantastic social life, lots of good friends and a bloody great lifestyle. So when it comes to men, perhaps I’m not really giving off the right vibes – you know, the ‘nicey-wifey’ type vibes. I think I might be too self-sufficient, too independent for them to think seriously about marrying me. And that’s what I’ve been trying to change.”
Tara thought for a moment before speaking. “OK, so you treat the entire process like a piece of PR then?”
“Well, you just admitted that you think that you, the real you, isn’t doing the job. You think men are threatened by you. So you consciously try to change that.”
“I suppose I do, yes.”
“So if you try to control the way the man you’re with thinks about you, you don’t really behave like yourself around men then, do you?”
“What? Of course I do!”
“No, you don’t. Maybe you think you do, but, Natalie, from what you’re telling me, you don’t. Don’t you think that’s a strange irony? That you’re so focused on directing the relationship where you want it to go that you don’t seem to focus on whether or not you actually want it – or if you’re really enjoying it? You said that you went to a cricket game with some guy, even though you hate cricket?”
“Well, yes. But relationships are all about give and take, aren’t they?”
“Of course they are, but didn’t this imply that you were prepared to sacrifice your own enjoyment simply to take the relationship to the next level?”
“I suppose that could be true. But it didn’t matter – I had nothing else on so . . .” The rest of her sentence trailed off.
“Still, by doing this, you effectively compromised your own enjoyment in the hope of moving the relationship forward. How did you know that you even liked this man enough to want to settle down with him?”
“I suppose I didn’t,” Natalie said simply.
“OK, then,” Tara clarified, “from what you’ve told me, you meet a man, start going out with him and then do your utmost to push the relationship to where you want to get it. You don’t seem to believe in letting things just run their course and go where they will. Instead, you’re determined to direct proceedings – yes?”
“But I can’t afford to just wait around for things to happen!” Natalie argued. “That’s not in my nature.”
“I know, but think about what you’re really doing. Aren’t you trying to control and manipulate your relationships in the same way you try to control and manipulate your clients? Don’t get me wrong, I can completely understand why you do it, but the important thing is that it’s not yielding the results you want.”
On the other end of the line, Natalie was silent.
Tara went on softly. “Natalie, don’t you think that you’re so obsessed with your long-term goal – that is, the ring on your finger – that you haven’t given any thought to what will happen after that? Tell you what, let’s imagine that one day you do achieve that goal – how will you feel then?”
“I’ll be the happiest woman alive!” Natalie joked, but Tara sensed there was truth behind her words.
“Happy that you’ve found a man you really love and that you can happily spend the rest of your life with? Or happy because you’ve finally got the ring on your finger? Have you ever really thought about what might happen after that, Natalie?”
“Not really,” she admitted shamefully.
“Look, I’m sorry if this sounds harsh to you, but the point I’m trying to get across is that you need to think seriously about what happens after the ring and the big white wedding. You need to think long-term. My advice for when you meet this guy Jay on Friday night would be to try your utmost to put the long-term aim out of your mind. Try and decide if you actually like him or enjoy spending time in his company. If all you focus on is whether or not he might be the one, you’ve lost the battle.”
“All right then,” Natalie replied gamely. “I promise I’ll do just that.” She paused for a second. “Thing is, he really could be the –”
“Natalie.”
“OK, OK, I’ll try and control myself.”
“And, speaking of control,” Tara said, a smile in her voice, “I don’t want you sleeping with him on the first date either.”
In preparation for what lay ahead, Tara had earlier got some indication of how Natalie usually behaved on a first date so she knew this piece of advice would not go down well.
“What?” Natalie’s reaction was as she’d anticipated. “But, Tara, you should see him – he’s so sexy!”
“Maybe, but if you do that you’re clouding the issue.”
“But why not? It’s going to happen anyway, so why delay the inevitable?”
“Haven’t you ever heard of playing hard to get?”
Natalie was petulant. “I tried that once, and the guy told me I was a prick-tease and never called me again.”
“Well, did you ever stop to think that he might just not have been the right guy for you?” Tara felt the need to speak frankly. Unlike most of her clients, she already knew enough about Natalie to know that she didn’t respond to subtlety. “Natalie, I hate to say it but don’t you think that by sleeping with these guys too easily you’re killing off the chase? Taking away all the mystery?”
“Mystery? What mystery? If a guy asks me out on a date in the first place he obviously fancies me – if I go, I fancy him too. Where’s the mystery?”
“But what about romance, seduction, delayed gratification?”
“That’s just a female thing – men don’t like that.”
“And who told you that?”
“Another ex-boyfriend. He reckons that women’s magazines have fried our brains. Men don’t care about the mental stuff: they’re led by their anatomy.”
“Well, if that was the case, how do people stay married, stay with the one woman for the rest of their lives? There has to be more to it, doesn’t there?”
“Look, Tara, maybe things are different where you come from, but here, women are more sexually liberated. We don’t beat around the bush, as it were.”
Tara’s eyes widened, then she smiled despite herself. “Natalie, I really don’t think this has anything to do with where you come from. The fact is that by going straight to sex you’re killing off the prospect of romance. What about fun? Look, if this is going to work, you really will have to try and change your approach. The first piece of advice I’m going to give you – and please try to stick to it – is: you are not to sleep with Jay on Saturday night.”
“But he’ll think I’m a prude or a prick-tease or –”
“Get those stupid expressions out of your head. The guys who told you that have nothing to do with anything. You need to change your approach, that’s what you told me, isn’t it?” Tara had long since dispelled with the usual life-coaching principles. Rather than the softly softly approach, some serious straight-talking was in order when it came to Natalie.
“Yes.”
“Right then,” Tara said determinedly. “We’re changing your approach. Now, where’s he taking you on Friday?”
“Some posh French place in Covent Garden.”
“Nice.”
“Not really – I’m not really into truffles and foie gras and all that. We do so much of that kind of entertaining during work that it gets rather boring after a while. To be honest, I’d much rather a nice Tex-Mex or something.”
“Well, did he ask if the restaurant was OK with you?”
“Yes.”
“And did you tell him you’d rather not go for fine dining?”
“No – if he wants to do that, it’s fine by me.”
“OK, we’ll let it pass for a first date, but remember what I said before about you not being yourself. You must stop that, OK?”
“OK.”
“So, when Jay arranges something for your next date – if there is one and, by God, I’m determined there will be – and you don’t like where you’re going, you’ll have to speak up.”
It amazed Tara how full of contradictions Natalie was. She’d happily swap bodily fluids with the man, yet was afraid to be upfront in the simplest of ways. Unconvinced that Natalie truly understood the message she was trying to put across, Tara decided to put it across in another way.
“May I be blunt?” she asked her.
“Please do.”
“Well, don’t you think that if a guy wanted a wishywashy, do-anything-to-please him girlfriend that he’d be much better off just buying himself a blow-up doll?”
When there was no reply from Natalie for some time, Tara briefly wondered if she’d gone too far. Then, on the other end of the line there came a burst of laughter.
“Bloody hell!” Natalie chuckled. “You don’t pull any punches, do you?”